There were times in my past when my heart felt like a destination; a house that I was aching to fill. I was in search of a responsible, thoughtful, tenant; someone who would lovingly end the vacancy. Maybe someone who could move in and fix me up from the inside out. My own occupancy left no trace of warmth, and signs of life within these walls were scarce in between lovers and friends. Each temporary tenant used to fill the void was always a size too small, and rightfully so. They were not crafted to covet me.
I spent a lot of time advertising my establishment. I would proudly display the highest levels of comfort and ease in order to woo those visiting into staying, however, that never worked. My lack of attention to my own upkeep made others lack attention to it too. Watching people leave became more expected then seeing them arrive, but it never dawned on me that if I did not enjoy the amenities of my temple, why would anyone else?
I made myself available to a variety of strangers in hopes of casting a wide enough net to catch something familiar. I jumped through erroneous hoops like these despite the irony of my inability to recognize myself. I had never thought that in order to find something I knew I would have to know much more about myself. Things were backwards. Validation and reassurance were how I expected those who were interested in staying to pay their way, but they always came up short. This place inside my chest, inside my mind, that felt like it was made of wasted magic, kept begging for someone capable of casting spells.
But then a light switch went off and an instinct that had been swelling quietly inside grew a wise speaking voice. It spoke of love without conditions of reciprocation and validation; and of being whole in my own energy before seeking to fuse with others. The stagnant, rigid, destination I had thought my heart to be was evolving into a multidimensional adventure. It was not a small cold room I needed to externally fill; but instead was a swirling blend of desires, ideas, and thoughts that breathed as one body of living art. It needed no outer attention to thrive, but enjoyed quality company when it was made available.
Recognizing that there was never going to be any other tenant than myself capable of managing me; I decided my heart was no longer immobile, and I set that thing free. I loved openly, and freely, myself and those who were attracted to my joy. Relationships, no matter their length, grew deeper; friendships, no matter the history, obtained more value, and people mattered for more than just what they could contribute. They mattered on a new level that I had never reached before; and I was thrilled to have the capacity to care so much. By letting go of the small minded expectation of what my heart had to be; I opened up to a new understanding of myself and the world I share with others.