Recently, my 13 year-old daughter dyed hot pink stripes in her hair. Several of her teachers weren’t fond of it, and she almost got a referral to the office. That would have been her first one, but an assistant principal intervened.
When she told me about it, she also explained that she wears a jacket every day because she doesn’t want to wear “dress code shirts.” In addition, she takes her cell phone to school (another no-no).
Two years ago, I would have been very upset. I would’ve also worried about whether the teachers at her school thought I was a “bad mom.”
Today, I think I’m proud.
As a kid, I was a “goody two shoes.” I followed the “rules” outlined by school and society almost without question until I was nearly 30. I wore uncomfortable heels. I bought new cars every couple years. I ate my whole grains. I tried to build businesses without “selling” because that wasn’t appropriate for professionals like CPA’s. I burned myself out making sure I attended every possible meeting. As a result, I often felt like an alien because my preferences didn’t align with those rules.
I finally decided something had to give and started looking for alternatives. It took me another couple of years to realize that I was living my life based on someone else’s scripts. Since then, I’ve done a significant amount of research and thinking about “rules.” My beliefs could not have changed more radically.
I believe the first key is to acknowledge that rules and scripts exist and to think through the application and consequences. I’m getting better at this in my own life.
But applying this to parenting is incredibly tough. We become very risk-averse. That’s the last thing we want to fail at.
So we take the safest course of action: the default. Normal.
If something doesn’t turn out right, at least it won’t be our fault.
I don’t believe this has ever been more true. The greatest risk facing our children is that they grow up to be cogs on the wheel of a system that doesn’t even work. If we follow the default education system and the standard rules, this is exactly what we’ll prepare them for.
To me, that’s simply not acceptable. I want more for her. I at least want her to know that another option exists.
So we’ve started learning about Rules together.
First, we’ve talked about how rules exist for many reasons.
- Some prevent us from getting hurt. It’s probably not a good idea to pull fire alarms just for giggles, and stopping at red lights likely prevents accidents.
- Some just evolved that way. In America, it’s been ingrained that we must go to college to “get a good job.” Or, that we should be “independent” and not rely on others.
- And some make it easier when there’s a large group of people involved: voting systems, dress codes, prescription drugs for common ailments, etc.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of them, but they’re not inherently right either. That means that we shouldn’t break rules just because they exist, and we shouldn’t necessarily follow them blindly.
Now, we’re purposefully breaking some rules.
I want her to know that this path has consequences, that it can be uncomfortable in the moment, but that it gets better.
The pink hair was a perfect exercise. (I really wish I’d thought of it sooner.) She faced criticism from one teacher in particular and had to address it. She found a higher authority and was able to negotiate the situation without any harmful effects. She knew there was a risk of detention, and she faced it head-on. She also knew I wasn’t going to intervene either way.
I think this is invaluable practice. For example, I can see numerous parallels between this situation and negotiating a flexible work arrangement with an employer or project. She was able to focus the conversation on the function (which wasn’t harmed) instead of the form (which is often rigid, yet rarely matters).
And this only the beginning. Before she’s an adult, I want her to know how to assess a rule and be adept at breaking it if need be.
What do you think? Am I way off track, or does any of this resonate with you?
Join Plaid for Women to connect with like-minded women who are making a difference in their world — share your experience implementing the ideas Anna suggests in this article!
Kendra – Love it! I resonate with your statement of staying within the mold till I was almost 30. When I learned that I could be and live accordingly (sometimes breaking the rules but not hurting others) it was liberating in many ways. It allowed me to actually see more choices that have helped my own personal happiness and sucess. It is important people understand that being happy is possible and it doesn’t mean you are hurting anyone or should feel guilty. Just understand the consequences. Great parenting!!! You let your daughter know both sides and let her be mature enough to make the decisions.
Urvi – Thanks so much for the kind words! I think parenting is the hardest area to “break the rules” because the last thing we want to do is make a mistake. I agree with you that the key is teaching them to be aware of and understand the consequences.
Beautiful. It reminds me of what my 11 year old daughter and I did the other day at Macy*s. Something so far out of my character that my 8 year old was dumbfounded. I am the proverbial rule follower. My 11 year old kept mentioning that she would like to try to run up the down escalator. Spur of the moment, I said, “Let’s go!” (Now, I’m not actually recommending this, it is rather dangerous.) We laughed all the way up! I must say, I haven’t had a workout that great in years! At the top of the escalator was a very sour-faced sales associate, but seriously? Lighten up! My 8 year old went up the up escalator, met us at the top and kept looking at me like I’d lost my mind. Rules are in place for a reason, but lately there is a rule for everything and many of them make absolutely no sense. My daughters and I have been feeling the effects of this changing world as though we are being forced to live in a space that is too small to move around in. It is time to question the rules. We have to teach our children to think for themselves, question authority, and know what they believe in, so they understand when their beliefs have been challenged. Congratulations to your daughter! You should be very proud!
I meant to say “not” recommending this….
My personal thoughts are yes, I do agree, that some rules should be broken if there is a positive outcome or if the stand that is taken is to bring justice to a situation that would otherwise be an injustice. To break rules –just for the sake of breaking them especially as a child–I do not agree. I think as a parent there is a thin-line between when you would encourage this and when your own child would then begin to challenge your rules. How can you depend on a child to know which rules should be challenged and when?