The past several years have felt like a lesson in letting go. From sending one bird from my nest each year for the past few years, (why did I have my boys so close together? They all left me at once it seems!), to letting go of a career that I once loved. From the home that was my place of refuge and respite after a gut wrenching divorce, to a legal battle that has stretched on and on for years beyond what it should have. To say that I’ve been in a wrestling match with control lately, would indeed be the understatement of the century.
Control is an illusion
The list of things that we can control is short and centered around ourselves. Things like our own thoughts, attitudes, choices, reactions and words. Unfortunately, this list doesn’t include other people’s thoughts, attitudes, choices, reactions and words. How RUDE! Why is it then that we spend countless hours playing out scenes in our minds of all the ways we are going to fix, handle, manipulate and even undo things that others have caused or prevented in our lives? And why does this idea of control seem so tangible when in reality it’s all just an illusion?
What if I told you that it all begins and ends in our minds! Our brains crave pattern and predictability. We think the more routines we create will help us know what to expect. It will somehow protect us and give us the illusion of safety and security. The problem is, that’s all it is— an illusion.
The human experience is defined by change. How boring would our lives be if this were not reality. Trying to predict and control our lives is like trying to grab and take hold of running water. Good luck with that! The moment some unexpected event shows up, we are thrown into a spiral of anxiety and fear. The grasp for control goes into overdrive! So this begs the question, how do we win this battle in our brains?!?
Who’s Circus is it Anyway
Maybe you’ve heard the saying, “Not my circus, Not my monkeys”, but what if it IS your Circus and it IS your monkey’s?
One step in ‘Mastering our Mind’ is to decide where you belong in this circus. Is this problem in the center ring of your life? Are you the ring master or are you more of a spectator? Are you observing the circus from a distance, or are you even inside the tent? Is this a circus you should care about?
So often I find myself carrying burdens that aren’t even mine to carry. I try to control things that don’t affect me and are not really my business. Yet, here I am lying awake at night. My peace, sleep and quality of life are affected by things that aren’t my problem to solve. If I’m honest, many of these issues involve my kids. This transition to parenting adult kids has been a huge lesson in letting go.
Once we realize that we aren’t even in the tent, that’s the perfect time to tell our brains that this is ‘Not Our Circus and Not Our Monkeys’! These issues aren’t a real threat to you or your universe. Leave it to those in the center ring of the situation to handle. Literally saying to yourself, ‘Not.My.Circus” can bring awareness to your brain that these aren’t your burdens to bear. It can provide a sense of release and calm when the ‘threat’ has been removed! It may take more than one repetition of this mantra, but the goal is to silence the mental spiral and provide more mental space for the things we can control.
River Reframe
So what about those situations that seem to land us either on the side lines or smack dab in the center ring of our ‘circus’? When the mental spiral feels like it’s sucking us straight down the drain of our crazy life, what then? Remind ourselves of the things we can control. Our thoughts, our emotions, our reactions and our words.
A simple visual reframe might be using a mental image in our minds. Remember the analogy earlier about trying to grasp running water? Picture our lives as a rushing river. Some parts of the river move quickly, with rapids and rocks that seem scary and dangerous. Some parts of the river move more slowly, gliding over obstacles with a peaceful, calming melody. We can’t control the current or even where those rocks end up. We can’t stop the storm upstream, nor can we go against the current to try and stop it. The river can’t be controlled, but we can choose how we let it move us.
Are we just drifting aimlessly, letting the river take us where it pleases? Are we fighting against it, battling every surge and every obstacle like our lives depend on it? Or are we methodical, looking ahead, navigating the things we can see and working with the current to get us where we are meant to go? Control is not about stopping the river, it’s about learning how to paddle. So the next time you feel like the three ring circus of your life is doing its best to drown you, grab tight to your paddle and navigate that circus like a BOSS!
