Darkness is where I go for now. To awaken from the grief is too much for me to handle.
It has been a brutal few months. Death has knocked at my families door as we console one another. Our beautiful Mother is now holding our Dad’s hand and her grandson’s, who died unexpectedly a few months later. We grieve also for the loss of an unborn child.
Silent grief haunts each nightly visit as everyone goes on with their lives. I realize that love is meant to last longer than time as my thoughts are amplified in the shadow of my dreams. I am refreshed by a reading from the Bible. “The things that are seen are transient but the thing unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor. 4.18
I find comfort in my husband’s arms as I try to find my path to heal the wounds of my grief. In faith, I know that this feeling of deep sorrow is a matter of heart and soul. In order to heal, you have to spend time with your grief. It shows up unexpectedly as tears flow. They are my symbols of unspeakable love.
This unwanted guest of grief shows up for each funeral. My family rejoices in the memory of our loved ones longing to just reach out and slip our hand into theirs one more time. We awaken to the beauty of each spirit that has written their names among the clouds of heaven and to know we are blessed by their love that surrounds us.
For now, I know we have to ride this wave of unseeingly, insurmountable grief. Breathe, rest, exercise, drink water, as we try and find laughter with each day.
Weeks and sometimes months follow until one day soothing light slowly enters and you start to forget when time stood still. Awakening changes you. I am amazed by a moment of self discovery. In the midst of mournful sorrow, you have so much more compassion and empathy for others. For once you start to feel light hearted, elated by the miracle of life.
Each one of us has to find our own path as we learn to embrace our inner light. To honor yourself is to honor God. In this moment, I recall … “Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks inside, awakens.” Carl Jung
The realization for me as I slowly awaken from grief is: we are defined but by who we love. Those far away will always be a part of us. I draw hope as the burden of darkness dissolves and everlasting light enters allowing me to heal and truly experience the growth that comes from the inside out spiritually.
