What a Kid’s Movie Taught Me About Grief
Does it scream former preschool teacher that every lesson in life loops back around to a kid’s movie?
In 2015, Disney/Pixar released an animated movie called Inside Out. This movie helped explain how our emotions run the control panel of our life. We are introduced to Riley, an 11-year-old girl in the middle of a cross country move along with her five dominant emotions – Joy, Sadness, Fear, Disgust, and Anger. While each emotion is able to navigate Riley’s feelings, Joy has appointed herself the most important and most loved emotion. Joy does her best to always be in control, she only allows the other emotions to run the control panel when she feels it is safe to do so. However, as the team navigates the many life changes that accompany a new house, a new school, a new neighborhood and the stress the changes have placed on the family, the other emotions start to step in more and more which frustrates and frazzles Joy.
In a very significant part of the movie, Sadness begins to take over. Joy does everything that she can to distract Sadness, keep her busy, and steer Sadness away from the control panel. But Sadness keeps escaping and is not easily contained. There comes a moment when Sadness completely seizes control, not only affecting Riley’s current emotional state, but influencing past memories and Riley’s recollection of them. This throws Joy into a tailspin. As Joy frantically tries to gain control with little success, she suddenly notices how Sadness is actually helping Riley. Sadness begins to open lines of communication between Riley and her parents and Riley is able to be open and honest about her difficulty adjusting to the unfamiliar while longing for the comfort of her past. Because Sadness was allowed to be seen, Riley was able to feel heard, understood, and supported. Joy begins to understand that Sadness plays an important role and truly is an asset to the team as a whole.
Sadness and Joy
Even as adults, we try to stifle sadness and cover everything up with joy. We label emotions as good or bad. We boss our emotions to appear only when we give them permission to. We ignore what our emotions are telling us and how they are trying to help us and we push forward the emotion we think is appropriate.
I have recently experienced multiple significant losses. The grief I carry would love to let sadness live on the surface of most days. Unfortunately, ingrained in me through culture and society, is a belief that this is unacceptable. I require joy to show up even when other emotions are fighting to break free. I stifle sadness daily, sometimes hourly to avoid shame, embarrassment, loss of productivity, and to protect the discomfort of others. This only leads to feelings of isolation, desperation, and more sadness. Emotions, grief, hurt demand to be felt and the more I try to ignore them, the worse I feel. Not allowing my real emotions to show themselves does not help me get the love, comfort, and connection that I so desperately crave.
Real Emotions
Sometimes the tears escape, someone notices and I receive much needed hugs and comfort. Sometimes my housemate questions why I am in bed at 4pm and comes in for a much-needed talk about all the things that weigh heavy on my heart and I feel seen and heard. Sometimes a family member randomly texts to say that they are thinking about me and I feel safe to say that I am struggling which combats the loneliness that I had been feeling.
As I navigate this unprecedented season of life, I am learning to listen to and give power to all my emotions. My emotions not only help me to remember and honor my loved ones in both joy and sadness, but they also help me to connect with others in an authentic way. The more I genuinely connect, the more secure I feel to reach out, to share, and to create the space I need to grieve with myself and with others.
Allowing our feelings to ebb and flow and show themselves when they need to, is likely complicated for most of us. But as we find the courage to embrace our emotions and be vulnerable with others, we cultivate both healing and growth.
