Great, another thing I need to add to my to-do list.
You’re about to leave work, and your coworker just told you that the presentation was moved up to 8 a.m. instead of 10 a.m. because there’s a conflict. Okay, I’ll try to figure out how I can get in by 7:30 to make sure I’m ready and the equipment is working.
You knew you had to pick up the dry cleaning, but now you need to stop at the grocery store because you just got a call that you don’t actually have enough pasta to make dinner. Okay, fine. I can make a five-minute stop.
You walk in the door with your pasta only to be hit with another curveball that throws off the evening and everything you wanted to accomplish—because someone always needs something. Oh, and the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, but some dishes aren’t dry yet, so they need to be left out. Dinner still needs to be made, and that takes up counter space. And I really want to get out of my clothes and take this stupid bra off and put on pants with an elastic waistband… Wait, why does it look like the dog is about to poop in the house?!
Can you relate? Can you feel the anxiety building? Are you mentally pivoting and reprioritizing what needs to be done to make it ALL work?
Well, I’ll give you some of the best advice someone gave me—just breathe.
Just Breathe
It sounds simple and even a little dumb. Breathe? That’s what you’ve got for me?
I’ve been told I have an intense personality. You can see my energy in my body language, hear my passion or worry when I speak. So, yes, pausing and taking a break from the downward (or upward) spiral helps.
I received that advice from a female business owner about five days after I started my own LLC and one week after I quit my very stable corporate job. She knew what I was going through. She lost her job in the pandemic and applied to every job she could—because that’s what we were taught to do: always be employed. But instead, she started her own business and grew it to a $3,000,000 company in four years. So yeah, I decided to take a breath.
Boundaries
Make boundaries regarding your time and mental health because someone is always coming to you for something. My favorite saying is, “say ‘yes’ with excitement and ‘no’ with clarity.” Women seem to think we need to give an explanation when we say “no” or decline an invite. “No” is a complete sentence. If I’m giving a person or event mental real estate that does not make me the best version of myself, the answer then becomes “no”. If I can’t be the best version of myself, I can’t show up for the most important people in my life.
Delegation
Another life-changing piece of advice: What provides an 80% solution? This came from a female VP I supported who worked in a male-dominated profession. I assumed she demanded 100% perfection to rise in her career. But no—she delegated, relied on her team, assessed risk, and chose “good enough” when perfection wasn’t necessary.
There’s surely a societal influence that’s conditioned women into thinking the “home” is primarily our responsibility—and it didn’t disappear when women entered the workforce. Not to mention the invisible labor we perform like anticipating needs, remembering EVERYTHING, and emotional regulation. I think we’ve also talked ourselves into believing men aren’t detail-oriented or observant (look at engineers!). I mean, men can’t cook, or do laundry, or wash dishes, or go to parent-teacher conferences… Oh wait, they’re fully capable. They’re chefs, they can read a recipe, they have hands and feet, and they drive cars!
Maybe we’re looking for a 100% solution when an 80% one will do.
Verbalize
That’s why I pause now. I verbalize the spiral to my husband, and he goes through the list and tells me what he can take. He’ll admit he can do things, but not the way I would. And that’s when I assess: Does it need to be done my way, or is getting it done what matters?
He’s also great at asking if I need anything while he’s out. We problem-solve and tackle the anxiety together. He’s also admitted to me that there’s a mental load he carries that I don’t know about, so I’ve tried to be better about asking him what’s on his plate. And yes, sometimes we’ll bluntly ask each other, “Is this weaponized incompetence? Are you incapable or just unwilling?”
I do the same with my friends. I verbalize all the thoughts and worries with people I trust and respect —people who can be objective. It’s easier to solve problems when you’re not emotionally tied to the issue. After all, if you’re the smartest and most capable person in the room, do you really want to be in that room?
Alexis is a new author with Plaid. Learn more about her here.
