A few years ago, my friend Sarah told me about a moment that stopped her in her tracks.
She and her husband were hosting a family dinner. The doorbell rang, and she opened it while still balancing a spoon in one hand and shouting reminders to her kids to set the table. Her husband? Sitting in the living room, watching the game. He was blissfully unaware of how much orchestration had gone into making this “effortless” evening happen.
After everyone left, she asked him:
“Did it even occur to you how much work it took to pull this off?”
He looked genuinely confused.
“You didn’t ask for help. Everything just… got done.”
And therein lies the problem.
Women often carry an invisible weight — the mental load — at home and even at work. It’s not just about doing the tasks, but also thinking about them, planning them, remembering them, anticipating everyone else’s needs, and keeping the whole machine running.
But why is it usually women who carry this load?
1. We Were Taught To
From a young age, many girls are socialized to see what needs to be done — and to feel responsible for it.
Research backs this up. A 2019 survey from Bright Horizons found that 86% of working moms said they handle the majority of family responsibilities, even when both partners work full time. And it’s not because their partners are incapable. It’s because women are more likely to notice what needs doing and feel internal (and external) pressure to handle it.
We learn early that our value is tied to being helpful, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. Those habits follow us into adulthood. They show up in the way we run our households, our relationships, and even our workplaces.
2. Unequal Expectations
Even when couples say they divide responsibilities equally, studies consistently show women still perform more “cognitive labor.” That includes everything from remembering the grocery list to tracking everyone’s doctor appointments to knowing which kid likes their sandwich cut diagonally (and which will absolutely melt down if you forget).
Sociologist Dr. Allison Daminger calls this the “anticipation and monitoring” work — and it tends to go unnoticed and unrewarded.
The same happens at work. Women are more likely to take on invisible tasks — mentoring junior colleagues, smoothing over conflicts, organizing team events — because they’re expected to (and because no one else thinks to do it).
So, What Can We Do About It?
Here’s the good news: once you see the mental load, you can start to share it.
Talk about it.
Sarah eventually sat down with her husband and spelled out everything she’d done to prepare for that dinner — from texting everyone directions to remembering Aunt Carol’s gluten intolerance. When he finally saw the full picture, they came up with a plan to divide those tasks more fairly.
Write it down.
At home and at work, put all the “invisible” tasks on a list. Seeing them in black and white helps everyone understand what needs doing — and what they can take off your plate.
Challenge the assumptions.
Just because you’ve always been the one to remember the thank-you notes or mentor the new intern doesn’t mean you have to be. Saying no (or asking for help) doesn’t make you less capable — it makes you human.
The mental load doesn’t have to stay invisible — or inevitable. Every conversation you have, every list you share, every boundary you set chips away at the quiet pressure to carry it all alone.
So here’s your invitation:
What’s one thing you can set down this week — and let someone else carry with you?
Your future self will thank you.
