Two days ago I looked at the calendar and realized it was 1 year to the day that I started at my current position. It struck me that while I had been busy working to produce content, devising new strategies and just moving through the motions of life— a year had passed. A whole 365 days in my life of personal growth had happened. I looked in the rearview mirror of memories from this past year. They played out scenario by scenario and I felt both a great sense of gratitude and accomplishment as well as disappointment. I hadn’t accomplished all that I had hoped to in the past year. In many ways, most days I still felt like a stalled car on the side of the highway waiting.
Checking Boxes
I think for most of us it’s easier to stay busy and call it accomplishment and purpose. Checking boxes is fun right? I love to check off boxes that seem important because well truthfully they make me feel important. Saying them to others makes me feel valued and relevant in the world. It’s kind of like “if a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it…” kinda thing. I’m not proud to admit that in the past I’ve thrived off of this type of need for affirmation. And If we’re honest we’re all vulnerable to the affirmation bug.
Goals
I’m a goal oriented person. For the first time in over two decades I had no goal ahead of me and this lack of a life target threatened my sense of self worth. I’ve always been able to devise my own target and work like crazy to accomplish it. After my first graduate degree, I worked another three years to complete a second. Not good enough? Let’s move school districts. Not good enough? Let’s move grade levels up. Not good enough? Let’s go after the top campus in a top district. Not good enough? Let’s get out of education altogether and go after a corporate training position. And here I am again but this time I’ve slowed down to process-a whole year of planning nothing. This is among one of the most confusing years of my life. I’ve spent many hours on the highways of the Dallas, Fort Worth area hashing through hard realities.
Stillness
I wrestled on the inside for months on end and now I’ve emerged one year later with a sense of truth. The truth is I didn’t need another goal to chase after. What I needed was the stillness to examine my process. This time around, however, there would not be many to view my breaking out the cocoon. There’d be no affirmations that I was moving in any direction-right or wrong. Just this stillness that allows for growth and reflection. I know our society is impressed with big wins and visible progression but can I tell you that all of that can happen without the marching band playing your song? The big win and leap forward happens on the inside before it ever manifests itself outwardly. People are simply catching up with a transaction that has already taken place in secret moments.
Still and Intentional
My question today is— can we be still and intentional? Can we be patient while the act of exercising patience does its perfect work in us? There will be a season of “suddenly” when all the stars align, the dots connect, the puzzle pieces fall into place—until then let’s be still enough to recognize the value to stillness in order to grow and process. Because after stillness there’s usually a catapult and preparing for a catapult is another conversation.
Read more by Sonja here.