Let’s face it—setting boundaries is hard. Many of us feel so overwhelmed by the idea of boundaries that we’re unsure what boundaries we actually have, what we want, or where to start if we wish to make changes. Additionally, I think there are some misguided ideas about boundaries.

Mind

I believe that setting boundaries starts in your mind. You first have to decide what boundaries you want or need to set. Often, we hear advice from well-meaning friends encouraging us to set boundaries with someone, but it’s essential to get clear with your own inner guidance. Set aside some time, find a place that feels calm and comfortable, and bring a journal. Begin with some deep breaths.

Be realistic with yourself about what you genuinely want from the boundary. For example, do you want to maintain a relationship with a family member who calls you multiple times a day? You know you can’t talk to them that frequently. Decide what seems reasonable to you. Perhaps you’d prefer to speak with them weekly rather than daily. Take a deep breath and see how that feels. Does it feel good?

Knowing is half the battle. It’s likely that your mind is jumping ahead, imagining the moment of setting the boundary, and perhaps you’re feeling anxious about it. While deciding on the boundary is the first step, you don’t need to implement it immediately or dramatically. You’ve been managing up to this point, and you’ll continue to manage. The difference now is that you know what the boundary needs to be.

Quiet

Boundaries can be quiet. You don’t have to make an announcement from the top of a mountain saying, “Hello, world! I’m setting a boundary!” Sometimes, you can implement a boundary without saying a word. For example, if that family member calls, you can decide if it’s a good time to talk and respond accordingly. If it’s not, whether that means you’re busy or you just don’t feel like talking, don’t answer. At this moment, your mind may try to panic. Take deep breaths and be compassionate with yourself. Remember, setting boundaries is hard. 

Find Your Place of Power

You don’t need permission or agreement to set boundaries. Often, you won’t get either. More likely, you’ll face pushback, anger, discomfort, or even manipulation. Unfortunately, this might indicate that you’re doing it right. Sometimes, boundaries will be respected, but it’s common for them to feel “prickly” to those on the receiving end, leading to emotional reactions.

If you choose to express your boundary, do so from a place of power. You don’t need to communicate it every time—choose when it’s necessary. When you do communicate it, frame it around what you will or won’t do. For instance, don’t say, “Stop calling me.” Instead, say, “I will not answer your call if you call.” You can stop there if you like, or add more if necessary. For the family member calling every day, you might say, “Our relationship is important to me, and I want to ensure I’m fully present when we talk. I appreciate that you want to connect daily, but I find that’s more than I can handle. So, I will not be answering if you call me every day.”

 As Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind.” Setting clear boundaries, while sometimes uncomfortable for both sides, is an act of kindness.

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