The Ho-Ho-Ho factor
But do you recall,
The greatest candidate of all?
You know Donald and Clinton, Kaine and Pence. But do you recall, the most famous presidential candidate of all?
You might want to consider him.
After all, low approval ratings, campaign missteps … what’s a voter to do? Well, here comes a candidate with high approval ratings, an appeal across party lines and a proven track record of delivering results: Santa Claus.
Yes, the Christmas Party candidate has thrown his red cap in the ring. Santa Claus is comin’ to the White House.
And Santa’s hip, announcing his candidacy Sept. 8 via Facebook.
“It’s time to turn the White House red and green. This November, I’m going to bring joy to the world, starting with Washington, D.C.,” Claus declared in a press release.
“The cynicism of both major parties is tearing this country apart. I believe in a country not divided into Red States and Blue States, but a nation united in harmony as Red and Green States,” he said. “Now is the time to make America jolly again!”
With current candidates suffering unfavorable ratings above 50 percent, what does America have to lose?
If you want someone with business experience, Santa can point to a well-documented, proven track record on the supply-chain front.
Santa delivers. And he’s been buying votes the old-fashioned way. Remember that bike you wanted for Christmas in 1985? Voters don’t forget.
And technology? Forget the internet – Santa has a well-organized customer relationship management program involving department stores, malls, catalogs, red kettles, elves, moms, dads and laps. And his customers are involved, sending in long, crayon-scribbled lists of items they want from a strange man with a long, white beard who bears no resemblance to reality.
Labor relations? I mean it’s got to be good. He gets socially awkward elves to work in his factories and has trained, flying reindeer that put FedEx to shame. And while the reindeer can demonstrate non-inclusion about the games they play, they apparently leave only a small environmental footprint when performing their annual housetop delivery duties. I mean, have you ever seen any reindeer droppings on the day after Christmas?
You want someone with good moral character? I mean, Santa is literally a saint.
“Americans have sat on my lap and told me what they want: Leadership. Stability. Hope,” said the jolly elf who lives at the North Pole. Wait a minute, I think Donald Trump may want to build his wall to the north, not the south.
All right, Santa’s candidacy is similar to others over the years for candidates like Pogo, Willie Nelson, Pat Paulson and Donald…oh wait, that one turned out to be real. Anyway, they’re typically a mild diversion from the actual bloody, soul-sucking battle of real politics.
But Santa’s got an agenda, more than just a way to give the burning issues of pneumonia and tax returns a rest. Proceeds from Santa’s campaign for president will be donated to the North Texas-based nonprofit Heroes for Children. Heroes for Children provides social and financial assistance to families with children battling cancer.
“We are both honored and excited to have Santa’s support,” says Larissa Linton, executive director and co-founder of Heroes for Children. “It’s nice to know that we have a candidate who cares so much about children and families who are battling cancer.”
Until Nov. 8, Santa will be tweeting and posting his updates. He encourages everyone to check it out. As his bumper sticker says, he’s “A Lap You Can Trust.”
Santa even has his own shop where you can purchase pins, hats, T-shirts and more, proudly displaying support for a candidate with high approval ratings. All proceeds from the store will also be donated to Heroes for Children.