Several years ago I was introduced to a now close friend and a book that would change my life. The book was Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. My friend and I would sit down once a week and talk through a chapter, seeking real life examples and encouragement for how to set the boundaries I desperately needed. 

Saying No

It seemed easy enough on the surface. I can say ‘no’ to things. I can avoid the people that I don’t like being around and justify my refusal to take part in activities I don’t like. At first, it seemed more like an encouragement to stop my need for people pleasing. I thought that would change everything and I’d be a new woman. 

All that was almost-sort of true, but not quite. After some time, I realized a lot of people around me were ‘walking on egg shells’ rather than treating me better. So, I began trying to please some of them again. It turned into a cycle of putting up and tearing down the boundaries over and over again. Not only was it confusing for them, I was more overwhelmed than ever. 

My Responsibility

I began learning that how others receive my boundaries was not my problem. I needed to decide what was tolerable in my life and set that fence around myself. If others didn’t like it, that had more to do with their ability to respect me than it did my boundary. Just because someone expects something from me, doesn’t mean I am obligated to fulfill that expectation. I really began asking myself what was my responsibility and what wasn’t. That was the turning point in my perspective. 

Hard Work

Then the hard work began! 

And when I say hard work, I mean it. The arguments, the guilt tripping, the gaslighting that has taken place when others realize I mean what I say is exhausting. 

At first I tried to set my boundaries across the board with everyone. It’s as if a tiny country declared war on the entire world at once. It was too much too soon. 

The saying, “How do you eat and elephant?” “One bite at a time.” comes to mind when I think of how I had to readjust my boundary settings.

I started saying no to people and activities, giving myself permission to stay home and take time for myself. I stopped worrying about meeting other’s expectations. Yes, I lost friends, but if that was all it took to lose them, were they really friends to begin with? 

Really Hard Work

When life took a huge turn two and a half years ago, my boundaries were thrown around with it. I had to jump straight into boundaries with family. Deciding what I would allow in and what I wouldn’t while the guilt and anger was flying put me in the position of no contact with several family members. But the peace I have lived in since then has made it worth holding those boundaries. 

My husband and I have gone through a lot as I have held some hard lined boundaries with him, too. He said something recently that made me realize just how important it is to keep the boundaries I have set. He told me, after the last two years and a lot of arguments, that he appreciates me holding those boundaries with him. As much as he has fought against them, it has taught him that I am willing to hold my ground and help our family grow and function in emotional healthy ways that we were not taught growing up. 

Setting Vs Keeping

When you set the boundaries, it’s like making plans. You know what you want to do but the details still have to be worked out. Once plans are set and all the details taken care of, everyone knows what to expect. The same is true with boundaries. Setting boundaries and holding them takes time and hard work, but in the end, the growth and peace is worth it.

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