Growth is one of the hardest things we do as humans. Whether it is the physical pain as our bodies get taller (or wider) or the pain of emotionally maturing and needing to move on from the things that haven’t grown with us, it hurts.
My teenage son was complaining of knee pain last week. When I stopped and looked, he had stretch marks around both knees. He has also experienced needle like pain in his back just before growing a few inches, seemingly overnight.
But once you are an adult, fully grown, we don’t often experience this kind of pain, unless you count the growing pains of pregnancy. The growing pains we do experience at this stage are emotional, the suffering that comes with maturing, moving on and letting go.
Emotionally Maturing
Emotional maturity is a term I learned just a few years ago. When I learned it, my jaw dropped and I hyper-focused on learning everything I could. I spent time in counseling and with friends. I read books and learned how, not only to heal from my past, but to grow in my emotions toward myself and others. Learning to become an emotionally healthy person was very exciting for me.
What I didn’t account for was the wall of opposition I would face with many of my friends and family members.
Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t run in pointing fingers and telling everyone else they had to learn what I did. But when I began seeing the dysfunction in the relationships, I had to set boundaries to protect me and my kids as we learning a new way of life. It was hard for me to fathom someone being angry because I no longer allowed a child to bully my son. They had seen the bullying, but when I said “enough” I was the one being mean. When I stepped in to help my mother through a hard time in her life, my sister got angry and accused me of some pretty terrible things. She has since shut us out of her life.
As hard as that part of my growth was, I knew I would get through it. I just didn’t know how long it would take.
Processing
Then one day I met a friend that began helping me set boundaries. She prayed for me and helped me process what I was going through.
I recently heard someone say, “Trauma is not the event that happens to us. Trauma comes in how we process the event.” Some people process their pain in emotionally healthy ways, while others take on the guilt and shame and end up allowing the events of their past to rule the rest of their lives. It’s all in how you process what happened.
With just one friend, I had started to turn a corner. The pain was still there. Some of the people were still there. But I continued forward. Over a few years, I grew closer to other emotionally mature people. These people had processed their trauma and used it to grow, rather than allow it to determine who they would always be.
You Can’t Always Go Back
When I think of this kind of pain in growth, I go to the story of Jesus in Luke 4:14-30. It starts out saying He had come into the power of the Spirit and had gone back to his hometown of Nazareth. He did what he was accustomed to do, nothing new. But the people had heard he had done amazing things elsewhere and they wanted the same kind of signs. When Jesus said no, they became angry and drove him out of town.
Two things I learn from this. We may see ourselves in similar situations, similar suffering and growth as others. But our growth and healing will look different. We should not compare ourselves to others and expect the same results. And when we grow beyond what we were, we can’t expect others to accept us as we become more than who we were. When we step back into our hometown or our family of origin, we will no longer do things the way they do. Too often I have found this offends them. Our growth can make others believe you think you are better than them or they aren’t good enough for you. This is a hard place to be when you know neither of those things are true, you just weren’t satisfied with who you were.
Renewal
I have been through years of growth and it is time for the renewal to take over. I have a wonderful small group of close friends that are so encouraging to me. My marriage has been through fire and has finally come out the other side stronger because of the growth we have each decided we needed. I have 3 amazing sons and a beautiful daughter-in-law that pushes my son to be his best. These things wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t endured the pain and suffering and hard work to emerge a new person.
Let me encourage you in this. If you need a change, need to grow, want to become emotionally mature, it will be hard work. It may last years. But in the end, it will be worth it. It will not only be good for you and your family, but it will be good for our nation, our world and our future.
The book that got me started was ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’ by Lindsay C. Gibson
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