I turned 37 this month. And while some years it can feel like there is much held in a birthday, this one seems like one of those regular old years. Now, don’t get me wrong, it was good in a million different ways, but 37 just feels like a middle. Not the beginning of a new decade and not the end of some major life season.
My current life stage is beautiful. And so hard. And slogging through. And trying new. Understanding who I am. And then growing into something different. All the transitions. And having absolutely no idea what I am doing. Feeling more confident in what I know. And even more sure of what I do not.
And that last little bit, man, there is something there. I am finding that with each turn of a year, I’m more and more comfortable with what I don’t know. Where I am unsure. The fuzzy edges and cloudy grays of in between.
Do you ever feel that? A strange peace in having zero idea, perhaps not even knowing where to begin in forming some semblance of one?
Oh, what a time in history to not know, right? To not hold everything as an absolute. To allow space for nuance and complexity and humanity to spring forth. To attempt to see past just your own to what is also held and carried by so many others. It seems to be a kind gift we can offer our hearts and minds to simply not know all the answers to all the things.
I’m in no way proposing we leave all our strongholds and convictions at the door. No, no. That certainly doesn’t feel like the way forward, but this world is asking again and again for an opinion on anything and everything. And right this second. No time to think or ask questions. And once you’ve decided, shout it out. Make it known and never waver.
And y’all, that is just too big an ask.
There is such good, I am finding, in allowing for plenty of “I don’t knows”.
And maybe I will feel or think differently with more information and experience or maybe I won’t. Maybe I will never know the right answer to all the hardest questions.
It is not a disengaging. In fact, it seems to be quite the opposite. It seems to be a willingness to stay in the deep and hard spaces without the weight of having to be right about it all.
We can tune in and be informed and “do our research” and still find ourselves unsure. That is an okay (if not healthy) place to be.
I am finding Adam Grant’s voice to be incredibly helpful in staying curious and trying to understand the world around me, while also stepping toward people. His book and Instagram account are so full of wisdom.
