“I love you so much that I don’t care what you think and no longer hold you responsible for how I feel.” This has become one of my favorite quotes. At first glance, it may feel wrong, harsh, or even selfish. For much of my life, I believed that others’ thoughts and opinions about me were more important than my own. Often, I’d blame others for feelings they unknowingly triggered within me. Although I can’t speak for everyone, I know many of us struggle with relationships—not because of our relationships with others, but because of the complicated relationship we have with ourselves.
We start life as these amazing little beings who know exactly who we are, what we like, and what makes us feel good, and we’re not afraid to declare it. Yet, over time, well-meaning parents often, unintentionally, train us to second-guess ourselves. They teach us to prioritize the approval and appreciation of others, often at the cost of our own self-trust. While they’re simply passing down what was done to them, it often leads to shame, pain, people-pleasing, and the formation of “false” personalities. Reclaiming the concept of unconditional love becomes crucial as we recognize how these patterns manifest in our adult lives.
Unconditional Love
What is unconditional love, exactly? Is it even possible? Many of us might say we already practice it with those closest to us, but is that truly the case? This question is worth exploring, as the impact of unconditional love on ourselves and others can be profound.
At its core, unconditional love is about respect and appreciation without conditions or expectations. It means that I don’t need—or even want—you to change in any way for me to feel a certain way.
In practice, unconditional love starts with taking responsibility for my own emotions. Whether I feel joy, peace, irritation, or sadness, it’s up to me to feel and process those emotions independently. People act based on their own perspective of the world, and when I react to something they say or do, my response is my own issue, not theirs. No one can “make” me feel anything; that responsibility is mine alone. By accepting that, I can rebuild the relationship I have with myself. Just as we had an innate understanding of ourselves as children, we can regain that self-trust by honoring our feelings and respecting them for what they reveal about us. Emotions are our internal guidance system, alerting us to whether we are in alignment with our true selves.
Acceptance and Respect
Once I fully accept and respect my own feelings, I can start to unconditionally accept myself. Only when I achieve this inner acceptance can I extend it to others. It’s true that we can’t give what we don’t have. When I am in tune with myself, I no longer need others to think, feel, or act in any particular way to earn my love or approval. I can allow others to show up fully as themselves, without expecting them to change to make me feel comfortable.
Returning to the quote that has become a valuable friend in my life: “I love you so much that I don’t care what you think or hold you responsible for how I feel.” People are remarkable beings, full of diverse thoughts, preferences, and perspectives. Embracing this diversity allows me to appreciate others fully, letting them think whatever they choose—even about me. Yes, even about me. Whether they agree with me, like me, or don’t, I am still responsible for my own feelings, free from the need to control or manipulate their reactions or mine. In doing so, I can confidently allow others’ beauty and complexity to reflect my own.
May each of us allow ourselves the freedom to live unconditionally, embracing the beauty and complexity within ourselves and those around us.
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